When opposing parties get to the negotiating table, they too often dive into the meat of the deal and begin arguing for their perspective. We see that in how our government operates today and in how people discuss politics, family matters, work challenges, and more. It’s time to STOP, take a step back, and reflect on what’s missing from this equation.
Soon after I left business school, I began working for a negotiation and consulting firm that was an offshoot of the Harvard Negotiation Project. I became an expert in Roger Fisher and Bill Ury’s Getting to Yes negotiation strategy and the “7-Elements” approach to conflict resolution.
Boiled down, the main idea of the 7-Elements of Negotiation is that opposing parties are most likely to discover win-win solutions if they articulate their underlying INTERESTS, discuss a variety of OPTIONS, and talk about what unbiased STANDARDS will help them come to a fair agreement. Only then will they be equipped to make a joint COMMITMENT or independently pursue their ALTERNATIVES. (*Additional details below.)
While those first five elements address the substance of the conversation or agreement, the remaining two address the process: COMMUNICATION and RELATIONSHIPS. As you can tell from the language above, discussing, articulating, and talking about different perspectives is the way to find common ground. Digging in your heals, advocating furiously that you’re right, and not listening to other perspectives do not yield creative, win-win solutions
Without communication and relationships, any attempt to work out challenging problems (at home, at work, or in any organization) and come to an agreement will fall flat. That’s why it’s absolutely essential that we get better at COMMUNICATING and building RELATIONSHIPS.
Communication helps build relationships for several reasons. First, the more you listen, the more you learn about others’ perspectives. Listening thoughtfully, without judgment or interruption, is also a show of caring and respect. With stronger relationships come deeper feelings of trust. Once you have the basis of an honest, trusting relationship, anything is possible — even tackling the most difficult problems and obstacles.
The best way to build relationships is to start by asking a question. Set your mind to learning about someone else. In Getting to Yes parlance, experts always suggest that you explore the other side’s interests and perspectives before sharing your own. Not sure where to start? There are lots of fun tools out there to stimulate conversation.
Thumballs are soft vinyl balls imprinted with discussion topics. Catch the ball and discuss the prompt under your thumb. Pre-printed topics include Session Openers (for soft-skills training), Getting to Know You, Shaped by Our Past, Leadership, Team Dynamics, Diversity, etc., or customize one of your own!
When working with a group of people, ask them all the same question and have them write their answer on an Answer Board. Invite everyone to walk around the room and reveal their answers at the same time. Then, ask people to form into groups of 3 or more with different (or similar) answers and discuss their responses.
If you have a small budget, another option is to throw a random collection of knick-knacks in a plastic baggie. Show the baggie to a friend or colleague and ask them to select an item that represents an experience they had today, a childhood memory, a goal for the future, or any other thought-provoking prompt.